Lay Report: English designer


I had recently moved into the city centre and decided to take a day off to sort a few things and possibly approach German au pairs as you only ever find them alone between 10am-2pm during the week. Im walking up queen street, the main and really only day game street in Auckland, which has a lot of foot traffic but the quality is low, lots of Indians, Chinese, Koreans, stuck up entitled average kiwi girls, street bums and dreamy tourists. I spot a cute blond with a long coat walking towards me, slowly, very dreamy looking into shop windows and clearly in no rush. Perfect found my German au pair. I let her walk passed as I’m over doing blind stops. Blind stop is stopping them without getting a good look at their face and then being disappointed when the skinny girl with long jet black hair is an asian with a dogs arse for a face, not the sexy Colombian you had hoped for. Classic front stop, she’s very short so my presences stopped her right away. “Hi, i hope you speak english – Yes, I was walking up the street and you were walking down, noticed you were cute and had stolen elton johns glasses, how did you get away with that? said with a big grin. She had round rimmed ray bans on with blue tints. She physically hooked but never really asked a lot of questions, very confident, held the small gap between us and didn’t break eye contact. My sets are always short so after i had found out she was English, working as an au pair and recently arrived in Auckland i told her she was cute again and that we should hang out another time then got the number.

5week Interim

Turned out she was working for a family out in Beachlands which is an hour outside Auckland, for her would be a walk, long bus ride and a ferry. So no date for three weeks. I knew because on the street she said she was moving to the city in three weeks to start a new job. So kept in touch a few times over the 5 weeks. Even tried for a date when she was in the city but she was to busy setting up her new apartment and new job. So rolled off for a couple of weeks then threw out one last attempt.


As always with day game she turned up looking better then I expected, to be honest i wasn’t to sure about her rig because of the coat she had on during the street stop. She was fit, tonight was a white leather jacket with fake polar bear furr matching her blond hair, off the bat teased her, calling her snow-white the polar-bear killer, and tight jeans on top of small heels for the bottom half. Nice a proper posh english girl. Some of the other english girls i’ve meet remind me of feral cats on prozac.

Venue 1 – Classic Pub

We walked to the first bar, talking about our days, boring as shit, i always keep it like this as it takes off the ice, most of the time they can be nervous and ask interview style questions straight away and if you go with it after a 10 minute walk to the bar you have nothing to talk about. It was a typical nice english style pub “I’ll get us the first round, what would you like? great go find us a good seat” I got a half pint and her a half glass of wine. Why half’s? Because a full pint or glass of wine can sometimes take a small girl fucken ages to drink. We sat at a 90 angle and was very basic chit chat, rapport and comfort, however she was actually slightly interesting. She was from a small town just out side of Brighton and had been living in the Carney islands for 4.5 years. I carefully made assumptions to figure out if she was one of those bar girls(unofficial whore) walking up and down the beaches handing out flyers and getting piped out by a new tourist every night. She had been in a relationship her whole time there and also was working in marketing/design. She also had the proper posh english accent which gave me a half mongrel. Ive done a lot of travel and lived over seas so have a bucket load of fucked up random travel stories that gets girls wet and her curiosity got her wet. It spiked big time when i did my height gig. “So how tall are you, actually stand up(while i grab her hand and pull her close into me) I tell her she’s either to short or to tall and every time they ask why “well you see when i hug a girl I like their head to slip right under my chin and you young lady are slightly to short” this is all said while hugging, come to think of it this always works. She went floppy and her eyes glazed over and forget she was even in Auckland. We sat back down talk some more shit then bounced to another bar. Oh and age came up, she asked me to guess. She looked young 21, But i ran the numbers considering she had down some study and lived over seas for 4.5 years, I said 24. She smiled and said try again, humm 22? she laughed and said higher. The fuck? I kept going up 1 year at the time. She was 29. At this point i pretty much spat my drink out and said whats your fucken secret? I was serious and hammered her with questions about the baby face and good skin. Never taken drugs, doesn’t drink often and loves to go on long walks, play tennis and swim in her spare time. Its amazing how well an older women can keep if they stay active and don’t suck back ciggys, scull pre mixed vodkas and ride big krausers from the age of 16.

Venue 2 – Lounge Bar

On the way there I had my hands in my jacket pockets, she took my side grasping my elbow. Great, feminine women – love them. The second venue I hadn’t done a recon mission prior as i was new living in the city. As we stood at the bar i was looking where i was going to sit which created a pause and gap which i wouldn’t normally have and  always fill with “You’re round i’ll take a half pint of beer and i’ll find us the seats” then walk off. But this gap gave her the opportunity and she asked what id like. Im going to do this in the future, gives her a chance to invest without my push. Found a dark place down the back seated next to each other. Went back into rapport and then into bubble talking about the bar and other people in the bar. I got my “i’m going to eat you alive” eyes on while slowly talking bullshit. She was ready for a kiss, in fact she was ready in the pervious bar, some how we started to talk about colours and of course i wanted to know the colour of her underwear. As soon as this started she was dripping like an egg sandwich, I held off the kiss and would lean in and out teasing her little puppy face. Eventually i told her i couldn’t hear her so put my head in close and tuned my head as she went to talk into my ear. She jumped me, pushing her tits up against me, I pulled away and she pulled me back, I pulled away again and in a serious tone said “what are you doing i thought you were going to tell me something?” Her brain was cooked, so funny, that little puppy dog face, all she wanted was more. So I aggressively pulled her in by her hair grabbed her hand and put it on my krauser which she squeezed, so i started flicking her nipple under her bra. I’m thinking fucken green lights everywhere, however two weeks before it was the same situation which turned into a near miss which il write about next week. “Im going toilet then we can go back to mine for wine” No problem. Went toilet and did a check in with myself, it was on for sure, but i was unsure because of the last time and didn’t want to run the train to fast and end up losing another one. Fuck it, its on. Went out to find she had gone. I sat back where we were and she eventually came out of the female toilet. However she took close to 10 minutes and in that time my little voice started talking smack “sucker, she’s done a runner on you” “you went to fast again mate” “Give her 15 minutes then call her” That voice always talks shit. Listen to it for entertainment but don’t take on any of the negative crap.

Venue 3 – My place

Gave her a little tour, she didn’t want a wine because it was red. We went out to the balcony and was pointing out landmarks, she was actually doing most of the talking and i knew it was her forebrain doing its last act. She’s small so picked her up took her straight to the bed room and threw her on the bed. But unlike last time, I didn’t jump her. We, in time casually took our shoes and jackets off, I put music on and let her get a little more comfortable. But really with in a few minutes she was sucking the earth out of my krauser then was bare backing her like a caveman.

Note1 – I still get surprised on how willing girls are to fuck strangers without any protection from STDs or kids. A few pumps before i’m about to blow my load, i mutter “are you on the pill!?” a causal “no” so causal! fucken girls. So happily fill her mouth up – Gulp!
Note2 – Sometimes girl are actually keen to meet you but are also actually genuinely busy with their own life.

Post sex talk.
1. She wanted to kiss as soon as i called her snow white.
2. She first thought about sex in the first bar.
3. She hadn’t had sex in a few months (i never really believe the answer any girl give to this but still ask )
4. I have a big krauser according to her.

5. She broke up with her ex because she was bored and he was to different – he was a local, half Carney island half Scottish spanish speaking fuck boy.

6. She thought i was rough. I told her i very soft tonight, she looked at me weird and asked if i had read 50 shades of bullshit. Hair pulling, slapping and two digits in the ass is school boy stuff.

Hope you have enjoyed my first lay report and first bit of writing of any kind for anyone, last time i wrote i was a teenager in high school.

P.s While i have been sitting here in star bucks writing this. This fucken bum rolls up next to me, pulls the seat away from the wall to reveal  his life(suitcase) starts folding his underwear then pulls out a fucken ipad and start watching youtube. Good for you mother fucker.


One thought on “Lay Report: English designer

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *